Das Schwerste Gewicht

I left the city about 2pm, and when I was on the train I thought about my classes I'm taking next semester.

My philosophy class next semester consists of only juniors and seniors, and since I talked the professor into letting me that class I thought of all the philosophy I knew - just for a quick retouch or something. I probably don't know as much philosophizes as those juniors and seniors, they're probably majoring in philosophy too, but I'm not going to let myself be a fool in the class. I'm going to stand my ground.

I then thought of Nietzsche and his idea of the eternal return. In this eternal return the weight of unbearable responsibility lies heavy on every move we make, and it's a burden. So it's either weight or lightness. But is heaviness truly deplorable and lightness splendid?

I remember the last time I told someone I was a burden.

I was at Danny's house with Andrew. Andrew and I got a room to ourselves, and we were just laying in bed together. Then he told me he loved me, and then I said, "Why? I'm such a burden." He replied saying, "I can carry you." I hugged him and buried my face in his neck. I didn't get to finish my sentence. I was going to tell him that it's either that I'm going to crush him, or he's going to crush me. And he crushed me.

By the time I thought about Andrew, the train was at my stop. It was actually the first time I really thought about him in a long while. Anyways, I decided to call Chris, because I didn't want to think about him anymore.

Chris and I talked about a lot of things. I tried to sound as happy as I could, as I told him about Friday night. He probably knew something was wrong, because I never call him or anyone just to simply talk. Well, maybe once in a while, but I rarely call anyone.

Chris was trying to get me to talk, like always, and he asked what I wanted to do next week being my birthday. Since I wasn't going to tell him why I called, he just asked me if I saw Andrew when I was in the city.

I replied saying, "No, I didn't. Even if I did, it wouldn't have mattered. I don't love him anymore. I don't know love. I don't know about anything. Maybe I'm just saying that, but we're over. What's the point of clinging onto the pain and holding on to... all this, when he crushed me? When he doesn't even care? Yeah, sure, I guess I'm still somewhat sad. And I do miss him every day that passes, but it's only for a while longer. Then, I'll be fine again. - pause- 真的吗."

Chris finally replied asking, "Are you stop going to run away now?"

"Yes, yes I am."

I've had enough. I can't keep on living this way. I'm going to get back everything that's rightfully mine. I want my life back.

Admittance: Stage 02. of losing Chris' bet