August 2nd, 2011

I'm not doing that great to be honest, but that's always me. I've been thinking a lot about my ex-boyfriend recently, besides realizing that I still have some remaining feelings for him, and I just want my stuff back. However, he isn't responding to me either by facebook message or text, so I honestly don't know what I can do. Our mural friends don't want to get involve between us, which is understandable, but I feel like they're just doing the "bros over hoes" things. Yet, I've known them for a much longer time - we've probably have had more experiences with one another, too - but I guess, guys just prefer guys than a really close girl friend.



While the guy I know I do have strong feelings for, we don't speak anymore. I don't think we ever will again. I don't' know. I'm terribly sad about that, because I really wanted to be with him in the end. I wanted to move to wherever he went, wake up every morning next to him, be able to hug and kiss him randomly - but that's not an option anymore.



I wanted it to work out so badly with my ex-boyfriend, and I started to recall all our shared moments with one another. Our first time spent alone with one another, how he tired to hold my hand, but I didn't realize that he was trying to get closer to me, my nervousness of asking him to spend New Year's Eve with me, that long time span of wait for his reply, our first kiss, him climbing in my window to sleepover with me, his idiotic responses to common sense subjects, us making love to each other for the first time,when he would brush my hair out of my face, kiss my forehead, and say, "I love you," him agreeing to be my wife for the time being until the time was right with a promise ring, how he promised he would wait - and how much it hurt when he said, "I enjoyed our time together, but sorry, I don't like you anymore."

I never cried, on the spot, when I get hurt - but with him I wailed instantly. I called up my best friend, 3 am in the morning, sobbing like a maniac, and he didn't even know how to respond to my breakdown being that it never happened so abruptly. It got to the point where I pushed the guy I really like away, because I sensed our relationship was moving towards the seriousness I had between my ex-boyfriend, where I told him things only five people knew about me, and was terrified of being in that same position again and just forgetting about him when he was there. Now that he isn't interested in me and isn't here anymore, I realized how horrible I've been to him. We were pretty horrible to each other in the end.

I wish we could talk and like each other like before - but it seems like that won't happen again. I can't say I knew how to cry after that night of March 2nd, but I've been having tears flow down because I really do miss him. We were suppose to be with each other this past week, but due to my horribleness of treatment, that caused him to react, which caused both of us to just counter everything we said to one another we have nothing between one another anymore.

Now, I'm all alone - but I caused it, though.



I cause everything to fall apart.