Day 3: your parents
#Dear Mother & Father,
You guys both packed your bags as soon as I was born. I remember days when I would just stand by the door waiting for your return, but you guys just came back once a year to drop some things off, and left the next day. Or sometimes you guys didn't come at all. The longest time I didn't see you guys was for three years.
Growing up with the lady you hired was completely horrible. Every time I spoke, asked a question, or started crying... I would get smack in the face. I guess from there on I learned how to remain silent. People would ask me where you guys were and... I, I didn't know how to respond to the first time I got asked this. I just responded saying, "I don't know." Afterward if that question ever popped up again, I would say you guys were just busy with "work trip." I knew you guys weren't really working, you guys were off traveling.
At nine, all I knew was hate. I hated you guys for abandoning me. I hated you guys for completely neglecting me. I hated people for asking me where you guys were. I hated getting those stares and fingers pointed at after I answered where you guys were. I hated for trying so hard for you guys to notice me. I hated for wanting you guys in my life so badly. I wanted love, to be noticed, and to be appreciated by someone
But by the time I reached ten, you guys both came back. At first, I was so happy to be with my parents. I wanted, I wanted that close family relationship. I started to get my act together. I tried harder with piano, tennis, ballet, school. But you guys didn't care at all. Your congratulations were always, "Oh, that's nice."
You guys never once looked at me, even until this day. Grades didn't matter, piano didn't matter, quitting piano didn't seem to matter, leaving to go to anywhere didn't matter, getting into Harvard didn't matter, nothing seemed to matter to you guys. But if I ever made a small mistake or I didn't do things the way you guys wanted...hell would just let loose. All you guys would do was just yell and yell, and take your anger out on me. I just silently obeyed and never said a word back.
To be honest, I never blamed you guys for leaving me. You guys had your reasons….. holding these grudges were just completely pointless. You know, I think, I would have left me too.
You know, one day, I hope we have that strong bond. But something in my head tells me it’s too late for that. It actually kind of is. I don't see you guys as my parents anymore. Sure, I guess you guys are biologically (mother at least), but no.
Father, you're going to pass away any day now. It might be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. And to be honest, I don't really care. My half sisters and brothers are all you ever care about. While it's close to your day for you pass away, all my siblings just care about is the inheritance.
Mother, all you care about is my cousins and your side of your family. You support them in almost every way you can. Maybe it's this obligation feeling you have, since grandma left you to take care of them at such a young age. But don't you think you're overdoing just a bit? You, well no Father, brought them here to America, found them a job, help them get on their feet, got them stabilized, etc. Yet, you continuously still provide for them.
Hah.
I craved that family relationship for the last seventeen years, but now I'm not going to even try anymore. There isn't a point anymore, and I don't think there never was. I'm clearly not needed in this "family", and you guys made that crystal clear last year. I'll pack my bags and leave soon. I promise. I won't keep in touch, I'll just disappear. Just like you guys did.
Signed,
Your "daughter"
Elizabeth
You guys both packed your bags as soon as I was born. I remember days when I would just stand by the door waiting for your return, but you guys just came back once a year to drop some things off, and left the next day. Or sometimes you guys didn't come at all. The longest time I didn't see you guys was for three years.
Growing up with the lady you hired was completely horrible. Every time I spoke, asked a question, or started crying... I would get smack in the face. I guess from there on I learned how to remain silent. People would ask me where you guys were and... I, I didn't know how to respond to the first time I got asked this. I just responded saying, "I don't know." Afterward if that question ever popped up again, I would say you guys were just busy with "work trip." I knew you guys weren't really working, you guys were off traveling.
At nine, all I knew was hate. I hated you guys for abandoning me. I hated you guys for completely neglecting me. I hated people for asking me where you guys were. I hated getting those stares and fingers pointed at after I answered where you guys were. I hated for trying so hard for you guys to notice me. I hated for wanting you guys in my life so badly. I wanted love, to be noticed, and to be appreciated by someone
But by the time I reached ten, you guys both came back. At first, I was so happy to be with my parents. I wanted, I wanted that close family relationship. I started to get my act together. I tried harder with piano, tennis, ballet, school. But you guys didn't care at all. Your congratulations were always, "Oh, that's nice."
You guys never once looked at me, even until this day. Grades didn't matter, piano didn't matter, quitting piano didn't seem to matter, leaving to go to anywhere didn't matter, getting into Harvard didn't matter, nothing seemed to matter to you guys. But if I ever made a small mistake or I didn't do things the way you guys wanted...hell would just let loose. All you guys would do was just yell and yell, and take your anger out on me. I just silently obeyed and never said a word back.
To be honest, I never blamed you guys for leaving me. You guys had your reasons….. holding these grudges were just completely pointless. You know, I think, I would have left me too.
You know, one day, I hope we have that strong bond. But something in my head tells me it’s too late for that. It actually kind of is. I don't see you guys as my parents anymore. Sure, I guess you guys are biologically (mother at least), but no.
Father, you're going to pass away any day now. It might be tomorrow, next week, next month, next year. And to be honest, I don't really care. My half sisters and brothers are all you ever care about. While it's close to your day for you pass away, all my siblings just care about is the inheritance.
Mother, all you care about is my cousins and your side of your family. You support them in almost every way you can. Maybe it's this obligation feeling you have, since grandma left you to take care of them at such a young age. But don't you think you're overdoing just a bit? You, well no Father, brought them here to America, found them a job, help them get on their feet, got them stabilized, etc. Yet, you continuously still provide for them.
Hah.
I craved that family relationship for the last seventeen years, but now I'm not going to even try anymore. There isn't a point anymore, and I don't think there never was. I'm clearly not needed in this "family", and you guys made that crystal clear last year. I'll pack my bags and leave soon. I promise. I won't keep in touch, I'll just disappear. Just like you guys did.
Signed,
Your "daughter"
Elizabeth
Comments
Post a Comment