This is bothering me more than I should let it. I feel like crying.

.....

Dez, even though, he may have deserved this....

There's something that you're wrong about in that message though, he was never my everything. I mean, sure, I probably would of done anything that he asked, but the thought of him being my everything never came across my mind.

- - - - edit -------

And I'm at fault here, too. I was so horrible at communicating just about anything. I was the one who was cold and distant, even though, I made it seem like he was. I never told him anything, and when I did I cut out bits and pieces - you can call it lying, sugar coating, or whatever you please to.

There are times, even when I was with him, I play out these scenarios in my head of how things should of and could of went, but I was never good at talking. I was more of a gesture person. Sometimes when we were with each other, I wanted to hug him really tightly and say, "You make me really happy." But instead, I would just end up hugging him and burring my head in his chest. And somehow, I hoped he knew.

I denied it almost every time when he told me he loved me, or when he said he cared for me. I always believed him, though. As time past, I stopped letting my doubts get to me, and I stopped denying it. And this was when I started to tell him I loved him as frequent as I could. I did, I guess, those cliche things that probably made him think that I wanted these superficial things, that I wanted us to be like those couples, when all I wanted was him.

I wanted him to believe in me, and know that I believed in him. I'm not sure if he ever believed me or believed that I believed him, but I did whatever I thought would make him happy. I wanted the best for him, so I went out of my way, and I did things that I probably wouldn't have done for anyone else. But because it was him, and only him, I didn't mind.

But it wasn't enough, or at least from my point of view. I was never enough for him. My genuine love was never enough.

I hated it when you would say, "In my mind, he already left." Or when you would ask how we were doing, you would say it in a tone of voice like there just had to be some problems between us. I hated it when anyone would just say, "Just dump him, and get with Ben." Or when anyone would ask, especially you, "Does he do this for you?" You and everyone else seem to always been interested in our relationship. It was our relationship. And all you guys just increased my insecurity.

It was so frustrating. I'm not going to say that your comments and everyone else's didn't bother or didn't hurt, it hurt even more when we broke up, but I loved Andrew. I wished you and everyone else would just understand that.

I stopped talking about him to anyone expect for Chris, Elaine, and Nikki.

I knew we weren't going to last, even though, I hoped we would last forever. I hoped that we would live in London. I hoped that I would be able to wake up every morning right beside him. I hoped for him to kiss me and hold me. I hoped to see his silly grin. I hoped for so many things.

But I knew in my heart, right from that start, when he first kissed me, that it was over between us even before we started. Regardless, I kissed him back. I still fell in-love with him.

So just please leave us alone - or just leave me alone now.