"You're being silly, and I'm an idiot"
Just a side note readers, if anyone that I've invited or has asked to be invited reads my blog entires, its bits and pieces of the letter. I'm not typing everything out out on this blog. That's just a little too much, even though I trust you guys and all, I just wanted it on here just to remember.Also, because the original copy is being sent off in a day or two....
Though I love getting letters (and I'm assuming most people like receiving letters, too), the thing I hate about letters is that you're never sure if they get there or not.
I wished I wrote more.
- - - -
Before I write anything, I just had to tell you that you have made it to my top 5 most messiest hand writings. You’re like number 4, so I guess that isn’t so bad. I’m saying this because it took me all Friday night to decipher your letter- I’m being dead serious. But I liked that you wrote to me, though.
See, I probably made you roll your eyes and smile.
I believe in you. I’ve always believed in you.
How can you even ask me that?
If I didn’t believe in you, I don’t think I would of picked up your phone call yesterday. I don’t think I would of agreed to go out with you again. I probably wouldn’t have be so stubborn and not listen to my friend’s warnings.
If I didn’t believe in you, I probably wouldn’t have fallen in-love with you either.
It’s almost 5 in the morning, and I have practice in about 4ish hours, but I want to finish this letter to you. So forgive me if there’s major spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and the messy hand writing you’re about to see.
Andrew, you got me so confused.
Yes, I did compare you to what I wanted in a boyfriend, but only for awhile. Afterwards, I didn’t mind it anymore. I didn’t tell you who I you wanted to be, because I’ve learnt that there is no list of ways to win my heart, because no matter how many lists I make - I can’t choose who I fall for. I just wanted you to be you, because you were the guy that I fell for. And all I ever wanted and needed was you.
When you couldn’t smile, I dropped everything and tried my best to make you smile, because I never wanted to see you sad. Even when I so tired, I stayed up as long as I could just to hear you vent, talk about your day, a book, some philosophy, I still wanted to hear your voice.
I didn’t want you to just see me as a spoiled, rich girl, who couldn’t do anything for you. And you liked food, so I learned how to cook somewhat. I begged Ben and my mom and learned whatever they were willing to teach me, so I could cook for you.
I acted stupid and dumb because of you, because I wanted to make you to laugh and smile. However - as our relationship deepened - it seemed that this light - which was you - began to flicker. Sometimes it went out - leaving me in the darkness -and you wouldn't call - until I made the first move...it made me feel like - I was the one who needed you - you didn't need me.
Sometimes you make me jealous, because you spent so much time with or for other people. That then made me feel as if I’m unimportant, so you’ll just push me aside. It sounds ridiculous, I know. Most of the times I was scared to speak my mind, because I didn’t want to start arguments .... but mainly because I was terrified that I would lose you.
I just wanted to be by your side. I wanted to be the girl that you could lean on. I wanted to be a girl who would always stick around for you. I just wanted the best for you...
You saw this as me throwing myself at you, but I just did that because that was all I knew that I could do for you. Just this much, because it’s you.
I’m ...sorry.
I didn’t want you to be some guy who did all those small gestures and superficial things, because you’re not a guy that does those kind of things naturally. And even when you did do them, I absolutely hated it. It was so obviously that you were forcing yourself to do them, too. I knew you were trying to do things that I liked, but I never wanted you to feel obligated to do anything for me.
Though our relationship was short, I hope you realize that you do mean a lot to me. If there’s ever a day that you’ll remember who I am, I’ll gladly let you back into my heart.
Maybe, just maybe.
But for now, I’m not quite sure as to what to do. I guess, I can just let time fly and hope that my heart and mind will put you away in a box and keep you there until I know that I can go a day without feeling hurt. What can’t be stopped though are the thoughts and the memories. Our relationship may fade away, however, the memories are going to continue to haunt me.
I’m sorry that you feel that you’ve been lied to this whole time. I guess... I did lie about some things, but I never lied about my feelings.
I loved you, I really did even through the rough patches. And I tried. I really, really did. I went against all odds and tried, but I couldn’t be strong enough for me or us. So goodbye for now, because my heart can’t handle seeing the guy I’ve loved the most walk away. I can’t handle seeing you go strong while I’m constantly wiping away the tears.
I’ve gotten used to people leaving, but that doesn’t make the next person leaving any easier. I never claimed that I’m not willing to let you go, because if you wish to leave, I might make a fuss and cry. But if leaving is what you wish, leaving is what I’ll give you.
Goodbye.
Right now, I’m so exhausted.
Yes, I am upset with you
no, I don’t hate you
yes, I miss you. Just kinda though.
yes, I want to ignore you.
no, I don’t need you
yes, I want to walk away, but I want to see you
no, I don’t want you to talk to me.
yes, I want you to try to talk to me.
no, I don’t want to make the first move
yes, I will try ignore you, but in reality I want to talk to you so badly
no, don’t stop trying to talk to me if I don’t reply.
yes, I am still ignoring you, but I don’t want you to stop trying to talk to me.
no, don’t give up on me - on us
yes, I want you to say comforting things and tell me you love me and mean it
yes, I want you to hug me and hold me tight when I push you away.
no, don’t let go and give up when I tell you to don’t touch me and to go away.
is it really that hard to understand?
See, I probably made you roll your eyes and smile.
I believe in you. I’ve always believed in you.
How can you even ask me that?
If I didn’t believe in you, I don’t think I would of picked up your phone call yesterday. I don’t think I would of agreed to go out with you again. I probably wouldn’t have be so stubborn and not listen to my friend’s warnings.
If I didn’t believe in you, I probably wouldn’t have fallen in-love with you either.
It’s almost 5 in the morning, and I have practice in about 4ish hours, but I want to finish this letter to you. So forgive me if there’s major spelling mistakes, grammatical errors, and the messy hand writing you’re about to see.
Andrew, you got me so confused.
Yes, I did compare you to what I wanted in a boyfriend, but only for awhile. Afterwards, I didn’t mind it anymore. I didn’t tell you who I you wanted to be, because I’ve learnt that there is no list of ways to win my heart, because no matter how many lists I make - I can’t choose who I fall for. I just wanted you to be you, because you were the guy that I fell for. And all I ever wanted and needed was you.
When you couldn’t smile, I dropped everything and tried my best to make you smile, because I never wanted to see you sad. Even when I so tired, I stayed up as long as I could just to hear you vent, talk about your day, a book, some philosophy, I still wanted to hear your voice.
I didn’t want you to just see me as a spoiled, rich girl, who couldn’t do anything for you. And you liked food, so I learned how to cook somewhat. I begged Ben and my mom and learned whatever they were willing to teach me, so I could cook for you.
I acted stupid and dumb because of you, because I wanted to make you to laugh and smile. However - as our relationship deepened - it seemed that this light - which was you - began to flicker. Sometimes it went out - leaving me in the darkness -and you wouldn't call - until I made the first move...it made me feel like - I was the one who needed you - you didn't need me.
Sometimes you make me jealous, because you spent so much time with or for other people. That then made me feel as if I’m unimportant, so you’ll just push me aside. It sounds ridiculous, I know. Most of the times I was scared to speak my mind, because I didn’t want to start arguments .... but mainly because I was terrified that I would lose you.
I just wanted to be by your side. I wanted to be the girl that you could lean on. I wanted to be a girl who would always stick around for you. I just wanted the best for you...
You saw this as me throwing myself at you, but I just did that because that was all I knew that I could do for you. Just this much, because it’s you.
I’m ...sorry.
I didn’t want you to be some guy who did all those small gestures and superficial things, because you’re not a guy that does those kind of things naturally. And even when you did do them, I absolutely hated it. It was so obviously that you were forcing yourself to do them, too. I knew you were trying to do things that I liked, but I never wanted you to feel obligated to do anything for me.
Though our relationship was short, I hope you realize that you do mean a lot to me. If there’s ever a day that you’ll remember who I am, I’ll gladly let you back into my heart.
Maybe, just maybe.
But for now, I’m not quite sure as to what to do. I guess, I can just let time fly and hope that my heart and mind will put you away in a box and keep you there until I know that I can go a day without feeling hurt. What can’t be stopped though are the thoughts and the memories. Our relationship may fade away, however, the memories are going to continue to haunt me.
I’m sorry that you feel that you’ve been lied to this whole time. I guess... I did lie about some things, but I never lied about my feelings.
I loved you, I really did even through the rough patches. And I tried. I really, really did. I went against all odds and tried, but I couldn’t be strong enough for me or us. So goodbye for now, because my heart can’t handle seeing the guy I’ve loved the most walk away. I can’t handle seeing you go strong while I’m constantly wiping away the tears.
I’ve gotten used to people leaving, but that doesn’t make the next person leaving any easier. I never claimed that I’m not willing to let you go, because if you wish to leave, I might make a fuss and cry. But if leaving is what you wish, leaving is what I’ll give you.
Goodbye.
Right now, I’m so exhausted.
Yes, I am upset with you
no, I don’t hate you
yes, I miss you. Just kinda though.
yes, I want to ignore you.
no, I don’t need you
yes, I want to walk away, but I want to see you
no, I don’t want you to talk to me.
yes, I want you to try to talk to me.
no, I don’t want to make the first move
yes, I will try ignore you, but in reality I want to talk to you so badly
no, don’t stop trying to talk to me if I don’t reply.
yes, I am still ignoring you, but I don’t want you to stop trying to talk to me.
no, don’t give up on me - on us
yes, I want you to say comforting things and tell me you love me and mean it
yes, I want you to hug me and hold me tight when I push you away.
no, don’t let go and give up when I tell you to don’t touch me and to go away.
is it really that hard to understand?
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